so it's been 9 months since my last blog post and i've had a beautiful baby! im joking as if id been doing anything that productive with my life. ive been doing a lot of coffee drinking and heavy sobbing over various musicals (how great was les mis lads?!?!) and not all that much else. i only remembered this blog the other day and it made me soso sad. this used to be my everything, the place i would come when i was sad or angry or in (what i genuinely thought to be at the time) pure eternal love, and i would use words, beautiful flowing sentences full of complex vocabulary that perfectly captured tone, and i would spend hours construting just one phrase so that it was entirely sincere and would roll of ones tongue in the most mellifluous of manners, for me words were like music that had to be carefully composed and edited and rehearsed because they conveyed something. the were conveying me. and yet despite my passion, in the last 9 months i lost my way, and i lost what i loved, and now i just feel like the girl who i once was who's priorities were just fulfilling an endless craving i had for life and love and perfect syntax structure is completely different to the girl who i am now, as though i lost something beautiful and gained something valueless and hollow. change is a big thing for people and the last year for me turned out to be too much change to soon. its taken a good while but ultimately ive realised that i have to stop blaming other people and events for me loosing my way. i changed because it was time to. you're unlikely to get far in life if all you can do is pretty much recite a thesaurus. this time last year i was certain of what i wanted to do and who i wanted to be, i wanted to write, and writing defined me. i wanted to inspire the fourth wave of feminism, and feminism defined me. i wanted to be in love, and love defined me. but over the past year ive learnt that what you want is tempory and affected. i became engulfed in reading other peoples work and decided i could never be that good a writer, i stopped being so defensive about being a woman in the 21st centuray and decided i may as well be the kind of girl i hated, i stopped looking for love, and thats because i decided it just didnt exist. i started doing impulsive things that the old me would have frowned upon and fuck it if i didnt have some of the best nights of my entire life. i still dont know who i am and how i work it out, but i miss who i used to be. im just not motivated like i used to be and its kinda sad. but i'll keep pushing on cos whats the worst that can happen. #yolo #lol
basically to bring what i was saying to some kind of conclusion, or at least to explain why i poured my heart out to this specific internet void, what im trying to say is just because you're not who you thought you would be, or even the person you hoped you would, the reason you're the way you are right now because you're meant to be that way, as long as you're surviving, you're a success.
